Living with grief

What is grief?

Grief is the emotional, psychological and physical response to loss. While most commonly associated with bereavement, grief can follow any significant loss, including the end of a relationship, loss of health, redundancy, miscarriage or the loss of a way of life.

There is no single way to grieve. Some people experience intense waves of emotion, while others feel numb or disconnected. Grief does not follow a neat, linear path. It can come and go unpredictably, sometimes hitting hardest months or even years after the loss itself. You may have days where you feel like you are coping, followed by days where the pain feels as raw as it did at the beginning. This is not a setback. It is simply how grief works.

Complicated grief, sometimes called prolonged grief disorder, occurs when the intensity of grief does not ease over time and begins to significantly interfere with daily functioning. This is not a sign of weakness. It simply means the grief has become stuck, and professional support can help. Prolonged grief disorder is now recognised as a distinct clinical condition, characterised by persistent yearning for the deceased, difficulty accepting the loss, emotional numbness, a sense that life has lost its meaning, and difficulty engaging with daily activities for an extended period, typically beyond 12 months.

It is also important to understand that grief does not only follow death. The loss of a relationship, a career, your health, fertility or a hoped-for future can all trigger a grief response that is just as valid and just as painful. Acknowledging that what you are experiencing is grief, regardless of the type of loss, is often an important first step.

Signs of grief

Grief affects people in many ways. Common experiences include:

• Emotional: sadness, anger, guilt, yearning, numbness, relief, anxiety about the future
• Physical: fatigue, changes in appetite, sleep disturbance, lowered immunity, physical aches and pains
• Cognitive: difficulty concentrating, preoccupation with the loss, confusion, a sense of unreality
• Behavioural: social withdrawal, restlessness, crying, avoiding reminders of the loss, or conversely seeking them out
• Existential: questioning meaning and purpose, changes in beliefs or spiritual outlook

It is also common to experience grief in relation to losses that others may not fully recognise, such as loss of fertility, loss of identity after retirement, or the end of a friendship. This is sometimes called disenfranchised grief, and it can feel especially isolating because the people around you may not understand the depth of what you are going through. Without social validation, you may feel pressure to minimise your pain or move on before you are ready.

Grief can also trigger or worsen other psychological difficulties, including depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder, particularly when the loss occurred in sudden or traumatic circumstances.

How therapy can help

Therapy does not aim to “fix” or rush grief. It provides a space where you can process what has happened at your own pace, without judgement. Our clinical psychologists may use approaches including:

• Grief-focused therapy: helps you make sense of the loss, adjust to the changes in your life, and find ways to maintain a continuing bond with what has been lost while also moving forward
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT): addresses unhelpful thought patterns that may be keeping you stuck, such as guilt, self-blame or catastrophic thinking about the future
• Compassion-focused therapy (CFT): supports you in being kind to yourself during an extraordinarily difficult time, particularly if you are experiencing self-blame or harsh self-judgement
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): helps you hold grief alongside meaning and purpose, rather than waiting for the pain to disappear before re-engaging with life
• EMDR: can be particularly helpful where grief is complicated by traumatic circumstances surrounding the loss, such as sudden death, witnessing the death, or traumatic medical experiences

A key part of grief therapy is helping you develop a new relationship with the person or thing you have lost. Modern approaches to grief do not require you to “let go” or “move on.” Instead, they focus on finding a way to carry the loss with you as you rebuild a meaningful life.

Our approach

At The Online Psychologists, we understand that grief is one of the most deeply personal experiences a person can face, and it requires a therapeutic response that is sensitive, flexible and individually tailored. Our HCPC-registered clinical psychologists have experience supporting people through all forms of loss, including bereavement, pregnancy loss, relationship breakdown, loss of health and other life-changing transitions.

We start with a thorough assessment to understand the nature of your loss, how you are experiencing grief, and whether any other factors are contributing to your difficulties. For some people, a current loss may reactivate grief from earlier losses that were never fully processed. For others, grief may be complicated by feelings of guilt, anger or relief that feel confusing or shameful. We create a safe, non-judgemental space where all of these experiences can be explored.

Our personalised matching process pairs you with a psychologist who has relevant experience and who feels like the right fit for you. The therapeutic relationship is particularly important in grief work, because the quality of that relationship is often what makes it possible to talk about things that feel too painful to share elsewhere.

Online delivery works well for grief therapy. Many people who are grieving find it difficult to leave the house, particularly in the early stages. Being able to access support from the privacy and comfort of your own home can make it easier to engage with the process. It also means you can access specialist support regardless of your location, rather than being limited to what is available locally.

We draw on evidence-based approaches including grief-focused therapy, CBT, ACT, CFT and EMDR, selecting the approach that best fits your needs. Where grief is complicated by trauma, we integrate trauma-focused work. Where it overlaps with depression or anxiety, we address those aspects too.

What does grief therapy involve?

Therapy begins with an initial assessment session, lasting around 50 minutes, where your psychologist will gently explore the nature of your loss and how it is affecting you. This is not about interrogating your grief. It is about understanding your experience so that therapy can be shaped to help you in the most meaningful way.

Sessions are held weekly, each lasting 50 minutes, via secure video call. The pace and content of sessions are guided by you. In the early stages, therapy may focus on providing a containing, compassionate space where you can talk about your loss and express what you are feeling. For some people, this alone is enormously valuable, particularly if they have not felt able to talk openly about their grief elsewhere.

As therapy progresses, the work may move into different areas depending on your needs. This could include:

• Processing the story of the loss itself, particularly if it was sudden or traumatic
• Working through guilt, anger, regret or other difficult emotions
• Adjusting to practical and identity changes following the loss
• Rebuilding a sense of meaning and purpose
• Finding ways to maintain a connection with the person or thing you have lost
• Gradually re-engaging with relationships, activities and plans for the future

Between sessions, your psychologist may suggest reflective exercises, such as writing about your memories, practising self-compassion techniques, or gradually re-engaging with activities you have been avoiding. These are always offered as invitations rather than obligations, and they are tailored to where you are in the grieving process.

The length of therapy varies. Some people find that a relatively short period of support helps them through the most acute phase of grief. Others, particularly those experiencing prolonged or complicated grief, benefit from longer-term work.

When to seek help

There is no time limit on grief, and seeking therapy does not mean you should be “over it” by now. If grief is stopping you from functioning, if you feel stuck, or if you simply need a safe space to talk about your loss, professional support can make a real difference. You deserve compassionate help with one of life’s hardest experiences.

Frequently asked questions

How long should I wait after a loss before seeking therapy?

There is no required waiting period. Some people find it helpful to seek support soon after a loss, while others come to therapy months or years later. If you are struggling, the right time to reach out is now. Early support can help prevent grief from becoming prolonged or complicated, but therapy is effective at any stage.

Is it normal to grieve for something other than a death?

Absolutely. Grief is a response to the loss of anything that mattered deeply to you. This includes the end of a relationship, loss of health, loss of fertility, redundancy, retirement, or the loss of a hoped-for future. These forms of grief are just as valid and just as deserving of support. If the people around you do not understand your grief, therapy can provide the validation and space you need.

Will therapy try to make me stop feeling sad?

No. Grief therapy does not aim to eliminate sadness or rush you towards “getting over it.” Sadness is a natural and healthy part of grief. Therapy helps you process and express your grief in a supported way, develop coping strategies for the most overwhelming moments, and gradually find a way to live a meaningful life alongside the pain of loss.

Can therapy help if my grief is related to a traumatic loss?

Yes. When a loss occurs in sudden, violent or otherwise traumatic circumstances, grief is often complicated by symptoms of post-traumatic stress, such as flashbacks, nightmares and intense distress when reminded of the events. Approaches such as EMDR and trauma-focused CBT can help process the traumatic aspects of the loss, making it possible to grieve more naturally.